Alison Wheeler :: alisonwheeler.org :: humour page

	humour
	I have an 'interesting' sense of humour (or, for our american cousins, 'humor'), which leaves me laughing at the absurd, the quirky and, occasionally, groups of one-liners. Sections: Borg - Management - Men - Blonde - Spillchucker - Physics Borg Jokes I've liked all the Star Trek series' watching the original series while still at school, and the later series on Cable tv, although the latest - 'Enterprise' - has not been impressive. These are some Borg jokes which I have picked up from around the net, plus a few I've written myself so if you ever tangle with the Borg, and assimilation is imminent, you may get one of these. I am Microsoft of Borg Resistance izkx GPF 0x5654 8820 Application RESIST.EXE has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. I am Steve Jobs of Borg Isn't this assimilation cool ! I am Hacker of Borg You've already been assimilated. I am McCoy of Borg He's assimilated, Jim! I am Spock of Borg You will be assimilated. Resistance is illogical. I am Scotty of Borg You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile, laddie -- ye canna change the laws of physics. I am Troi of Borg I sense that you will resist assimilation. But I suggest you not resist. It is futile. I am Bashir of Borg Prepare to be..did anyone ever tell you that you have beautiful eyes? I am O'Brien of Borg You will be assimilated ..as soon as I finish fixing this bloody assimilation machine... I am Quark of Borg You will be assimilated for..let's say 10 bars of latinum...well, all right, five bars; you drive a hard bargain. I am Torres of Borg No need to assimilate, I'll just break your nose. I am 7 of 9 of Borg Take off your clothes and I will assimilate you I am C-3PO of Borg I am capable of over six million different forms of assimilation. Yoda of Borg I am Futile is resistance. Assimilate you we will. I am Obiwan Kenobi of Borg The urge for assimilation is strong within you. Reach out to it. I am Delenn of Borg Assimilation is your destiny. We are the Traceys of Borg Assimilation is GO! I am Sinatra of Borg Start spreading the news. We're assimilating today. You will be a part of it: the Borg, the Borg. I am Homer of Borg Resistance is futile. You will be assimmm...mmmmmm Donuts. I am Burns of Borg Smithers! Assimilate them! I am Scully of Borg I am sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for your resistance... I am Oprah of Borg. Today we are talking about assimilation. I was assimilated as a child ::sobs:: I am Pinochet of Borg I know nothing about any assimilation. I am Madonna of Borg Justify my assimilation! ::pant::pant:: I am Karol Wojtila of Borg Pater, et fili, et spiritus assimilation. Resistantium est futiliusAmen I am Clinton of Borg Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, but not completely. I am Clinton of Borg (2) I did not assimilate that woman. My resistance was futile. I am Zebedee of Borg Time for assimilation. BOINGGG! I am Ohm of Borg You will be assimilated. Resistance is proportional to current divided by voltage Freddy the flying frog And now a parable about modern management... Once upon a time, there lived a man named Jones who had a pet frog named Freddy. Jones lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at Sainsbury's, but he always dreamed of being rich. "Freddy!" he said one day, hit by sudden inspiration, "We're going to be rich! I will teach you to fly!" Freddy, of course, was terrified at the prospect. "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a budgie!". Jones, disappointed at the initial response, told Freddy: "This negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you back to school." So Freddy went on a three-day course and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication - but nothing about flying. On the first day of the "flying lessons," Jones could barely control his excitement (and Freddy could barely control his bladder). Jones explained that their building had 15 floors, and each day Freddy would jump out of a window, starting with the first floor and eventually getting to the top floor. After each jump, Freddy would analyse how well he flew, isolate the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Freddy would surely be able to fly. Freddy pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Jones. "...he can't see the big picture." So, with that, Jones opened the window and threw Freddy out. He landed with a thud. The next day, poised for his second flying lesson, Freddy begged not to be thrown out of the window again. Jones opened his pocket guide to "The More Effective Manager" and showed Freddy the part about how one must always expect resistance when introducing new, innovative programs. With that, he threw Freddy out the window and ... THUD! On the third day (now at the third floor), Freddy tried a different ploy: stalling. He asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favourable. But Jones was ready for him: He produced a time line and pointed to the third milestone and asked. "You don't want to slip up the schedule, do you?" From his training, Freddy knew that not jumping today would only mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow. So he just muttered, "OK, yeah, let's go." And out the window he went. Now this is not to say that Freddy wasn't trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his legs madly in a vain attempt at flying. On the sixth day, he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. It didn't help. By the seventh day, Freddy, accepting his fate, no longer begged for mercy. He simply looked at Jones and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Jones pointed out that Freddy's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Freddy said quietly, "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim at the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Freddy went to that great lily pad in the sky. Jones was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single objective that he had set out to accomplish. Freddy had not only failed to fly, he hadn't even learned to steer his fall as he dropped like a sack of cement, nor had he heeded Jones's advice to "Fall smarter, not harder." The only thing left for Jones to do was to analyse the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Jones smiled and said, "Next time, I'm getting a smarter frog!" Original source unknown; adapted from versions available Men After 'Blonde' jokes come 'men' jokes .... (and please note that I am not anti-men, I just find them funny!) What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant? Any place without a drive-up window. What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women Exchange him. What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes. What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? Big Foot's been spotted several times. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..." Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions. Why is it good that there are female astronauts? When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there. Blonde Joke OK then ... one blonde joke to make up for the above. A brunette, a redhead and a blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be rewarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror. Ode to a Spillchucker Owed Two a Spell Chequer: Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather aye am wrong oar write- It shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long, And eye can put the ere or rite Its rare lea ever wrong. Eye have run this poem threw it; I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh, My chequer tolled me sew! The Physics Test And finally, a reputedly true story which concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen: "Q:Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer" One student replied: "You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building." This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed immediately. He appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case. The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did not display any noticeable knowledge of physics. To resolve the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics. For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn't make up his mind which to use. On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows: "Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer. "Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper's shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper. "But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqrroot (l / g). "Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up. "If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building. But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor's door and say to him 'If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper'." The student was Nils Bohr, the only Dane to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

top of page	\| hub \| astro \| biography \| birthday \| education \| gallery1 \| gallery2 \| gallery3 \| gallery4 \| humour \| links \| philosophy \| theatre \| travel \| entry page \| This site, including the code, text and images thereon, is copyright worldwide © 2003,6 Alison M Wheeler, London. Alison Wheeler asserts her Moral Rights to be identified as the author of this work. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.